Taking his eyes off Hector, turning his back. Doomed by a split second's carelessness.
He should've left Hector to sleep, should've made his own mind and left before dawn, alone. But life is full of missteps and mistakes, some more dangerous than others. Should've been stronger, fought harder.
Should've known better.
Despite how careful Hector's movements are - and maybe because they are, too, his mind given more time to tailspin over all the terrible possibilities he can think of - he feels himself flinch and go numb, paralyzed in the way he hasn't experienced since he was still a boy. It's the closest he's let anyone approach him from behind in just as long; the ones he let was because he had to, when he still occupied the lowest rungs of the castle hierarchy and he learned there was safety in keeping his head down and swallowing his rage, his pride, than in rising to a challenge he couldn't hope to beat. The only reason he thinks he hasn't driven his elbow back and into Hector, struggling away from him, is because he still can't, trapped by his own body. But it's more complicated than that. His muscles twitch with everything they can't unlearn, his heartbeat racing under Hector's hand. Would that Hector could reach inside him and tear it out, not to keep for himself but to get rid of it for good.]
Don't. [Is all he can get out through his teeth, and his voice sounds thick and shaky and wrong. Almost unrecognizable but for the anger in it. ]
no subject
This is how it starts, a little voice tells him.
Taking his eyes off Hector, turning his back. Doomed by a split second's carelessness.
He should've left Hector to sleep, should've made his own mind and left before dawn, alone. But life is full of missteps and mistakes, some more dangerous than others. Should've been stronger, fought harder.
Should've known better.
Despite how careful Hector's movements are - and maybe because they are, too, his mind given more time to tailspin over all the terrible possibilities he can think of - he feels himself flinch and go numb, paralyzed in the way he hasn't experienced since he was still a boy. It's the closest he's let anyone approach him from behind in just as long; the ones he let was because he had to, when he still occupied the lowest rungs of the castle hierarchy and he learned there was safety in keeping his head down and swallowing his rage, his pride, than in rising to a challenge he couldn't hope to beat. The only reason he thinks he hasn't driven his elbow back and into Hector, struggling away from him, is because he still can't, trapped by his own body. But it's more complicated than that. His muscles twitch with everything they can't unlearn, his heartbeat racing under Hector's hand. Would that Hector could reach inside him and tear it out, not to keep for himself but to get rid of it for good.]
Don't. [Is all he can get out through his teeth, and his voice sounds thick and shaky and wrong. Almost unrecognizable but for the anger in it. ]